Across the Mansion: While My Coffin Slowly Leaks
by Aquarian Wolf
Summary: As we continue our tour of the Haunted Mansion, we meet Asher T. Ashes and hear some of his eloquently put complaints about his beloved final resting place...


A/N: The song is to the tune of "While My Guitar Gently Weeps" by The Beatles. The Haunted Mansion and its characters belong to Disney. You can read more about Asher T. Ashes in _Destiny at the Haunted Mansion._ Thanks to Werecat Boy for his help.

* * *

Across the Mansion: While My Coffin Slowly Leaks

_Ah, there you are, and just in time, too. I wouldn't be fulfilling my duties as Ghost Host if I failed to show you our boo-tiful cemetery. As you can see, our inhabitants are quite a lively bunch. Why, I see someone's even started a game of croquet…_

There was the sound of a horrified bird squawking; a thump; and then a black, feathery shape went tumbling across the grass.

_The graveyard is home to most of our musically inclined spirits, such as our band, the Phantom Five, and our talented opera singing couple—_

"Hold it, mate!" A transparent hand shot up in protest. With some grunts, a stocky ghost shoved himself up out of his coffin. The lid had long ago been lost. It sat propped up against the back of an open hearse. He sniffed, straightened his too-tight blazer, and adjusted his derby. Indignant, he waggled a finger and continued, "Hold up just a second there! Now before you go on givin' yer little tour to these nice people, I think you owe me an apology!" He crossed his arms over his broad chest and tapped a foot.

The Ghost Host sighed. _Oh, the ever so charming Asher T. Ashes. To what do I owe the immense displeasure?_

"You forgot to mention me, mate!" Asher beamed. "I'm one of your most talent vocalists, I is! You'd never know it because you 'ardly ever give me a chance." He stuck out his lower lip and pouted.

_I'll be sure to dismem—er, remember you next time. _With hardly a pause, he continued,_ Now, coming up is our collection of creepy old crypts—_

"Hey! I'm not finished with you yet!" Jogging ahead to catch up with the invisible guide, Asher managed to trip over a headstone and did a summersault through the mummy's sarcophagus. He scrambled up, knocking over a tea kettle in the process. "Look, it ain't just being forgotten that's botherin' me! It's my coffin!" He gestured back to the hearse. "The bloody thing's full of holes an' worms an' I can't get any rest!" Changing strategies, he got on his knees and clasped his hands together. "Please, I'm beggin' ya," he sobbed, "give me a new resting place! Have some respect for the dead, eh?"

The Ghost Host gave this a moment's consideration. _All right, you can get a new coffin…_

Asher's grin faltered just slightly. "But…?"

_But only if you prove what a talented singer you are. Then I will consider giving you a new casket._

"Oh, thank you, mate! You shan't regret this! If I knew where your hand was, I'd shake it. As it stands I'm afraid to flail any limbs in your general vicinity." He loudly cleared his throat. "If the band would like to jump in and donate some notes, I'd greatly appreciate it…

Maggots crawl in and out in death's sleeping,

While my coffin slowly leaks.

I look at the worms, and I see them all eating.

Still my coffin slowly leaks.

.

I don't know 'ooow to plug the holes up!

I've even used caulk and duct tape.

I don't know 'oooow to get this fixed up,

This has me fed up.

.

I look at my bed and I spy termites squirming,

While my coffin slowly leaks.

As the bugs overtake, in my grave I'll be turning,

'Cause my coffin slowly leaks.

.

I was always diverted,

By my lining--perverted, true.

Photos of ladies inserted,

Have been chewed right through.

.

Maggots crawl in and out in death's sleeping,

While my coffin slowly leaks.

I look at the worms

Still my coffin slowly leaks…"

The cemetery erupted in cheers as ghosts clapped and whistled. Asher took a bow and someone threw dead roses at him. "So what do you say, sir," he asked, standing up straight and tall. "Do I get me a new coffin?"

_No._

"But you said—"

_I said I would consider it. I never said I would actually do it. Have a frightful evening, Mr. Ashes._

With that the Ghost Host moved on, and Asher went back to his leaky casket, collapsed, and sobbed.


End file.
